Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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