Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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