Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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