How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize