Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize