the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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