my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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