nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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