I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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