Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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