My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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