i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
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Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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