You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
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Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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