God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
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Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
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he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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