About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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