What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
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there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
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I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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