I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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