did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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