I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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