Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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