that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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