His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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