I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
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I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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