I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
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My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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