Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
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Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Holy shit dude........stairs
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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