I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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