Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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