Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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