ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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