I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize