Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
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It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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