you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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