Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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