Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
