if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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