What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
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We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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