So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
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It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
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Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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