this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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