My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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