the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
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is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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