chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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