U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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