WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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