I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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