I was born with a shot glass in my hand
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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