I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
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He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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