Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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