I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize