i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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