i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize